Brutally Honest.

I was talking to someone at work the other day and he said “He is Risen..” as if he were waiting on me to say something in response. I just looked at him. He said “well, what do you say back…”

“ummmmm…” I had no idea. I felt so embarrassed and literally wanted to cry.

He said, ” He is Risen Indeed!!”

I had no idea.

I hate that I have such an amazing amount of LOVE for Jesus and the sacrifices he made for me but really don’t know all that much about his life and what he had to go through for me to gain this constant love, support and most of all forgiveness. ( just so you know I am in tears writing this) I mean I am 25 and am JUST NOW beginning to really know God. I have always prayed to him but who is “HIM” I am asking for all of these favors from someone I haven’t taken the time to really get to know.

I hate when others talk about Jesus and his life so easily as though they are talking about what they are having for dinner. I cant do this, mainly because I truly have no knowledge of it. Other people who have grown up in church have so much more knowledge than me when it comes to this. I ENVY this to no end. My husband is one of them. His mom took him to church every week. Even though she might have had to drag him sometimes she always incorporated religion into their lives. They have no idea how lucky they are.

I feel as though there is this awesome “club” of people who know about god and Im on the outside looking in. (for now)

It isn’t my parents fault but IF there were one thing I could change it would be this. To have gone to church and to be taught about God and religion and what exactly it is. I feel so far behind. I WILL make sure my kids go to church and we pray together and speak about God and why we NEED him!

Looks like I have a long way to go before I am able to teach  my kids huh?

Do you want to know what one of my biggest fears is? Praying out loud. At a dinner table or in front of people. I never have, never ONCE, in front of anyone. I’m SO scared im going to do it wrong or say something stupid or the worst..not know what to say. Do you have any idea how horrible that is for me? Holiday dinners? OH LORD..I get so anxious and nervous. No one in my immediate family is to religious so we don’t pray at dinner or anything but I openly speak about religion…a little more than them, so people think I should be the person to pray at the holiday tables. My heart starts beating so fast and my hands start sweating. I know this is coming so I immediately just start eating so no one will ask me to pray.

I would rather not (out loud) give thanks to the man who gave it all than feel embarrassed. No big deal.. He just died on a cross and was brutally beaten for me, but lets make sure I save face.

My husband and I have been watching the new 5 week series on the History Channel. “The Bible”, it is truly amazing. Tyler probably gets so annoyed with me because this is me throughout the whole show….

“So Is he good or bad?”

“When you say the Persians were BAD, do you mean bad as in good or REALLY bad?”

“I’m confused, which one is David?”

“So, if God is against murder, why is there so much murdering and killing going on?

“WAIT, back up..what happen to the little boy?”

“Why doesn’t it show what ended happening to Mary?”

“Is that the prophet?”

“How many years did they just fast forward through?”

I mean truly this goes on and on and on..Bless my husband and thank goodness for DVR.

I’m in love with this series. It has already taught me so much more than I already knew! So you see if any of you are out there and want or NEED to know the Lord like I do, but don’t. Don’t feel bad. We all have to start somewhere, even it is at 25 years old and REALLY only sprung about by feeling like God told me I HAVE to go to Africa. I have never been so sure of anything. Here is what I DO know. He is with me, He loves me and most of all forgives me for not having the knowledge of his life that I should. I know I said I would finish each post with something I need to be better at or work on but I think it is apparent I have a lot to work by my brutal honesty in this post.

After all of this, this is what I can tell you…I don’t want any less, any more.


2 thoughts on “Brutally Honest.

  1. Oh my gosh I loved reading your honesty in this post. It shows your true, genuine, love and faith in Jesus. Casey, I take for granted growing up with a knowledge of Christ and I am sorry you didn’t have that. But your story has a beauty all its own that God is weaving in His perfect plan for you. You yearning to know Him and seeking Him, now, at 25 years old, glorifies Him SO MUCH more than someone spending their whole life learning about Him but living a lukewarm life for Him. He is sanctifying you in His perfect timing. He will do the work in you, just keep seeking Him. I am so encouraged by your passion and enthusiasm, it’s inspiring to someone like me who sometimes gets complacent because I grew up knowing all this. You are beautiful, inside and out! “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phil 1:6

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