It’s possible things can be so wonderful but not always good. Sunday night I found myself mid-panic attack when I decided to weep a prayer out to God for comfort…
My husband (tyler) and I were each doing things around the house randomly having conversations when I our finances came up, We both are very financially responsible people and ends always meet but something in me happened Sunday when we began talking. Chest tightening, blood pressure rising, breaths rapidly increasing, starting to get REAL snappy with Tyler and then I just kind of snapped…”Tyler, we can’t afford this, there is no possible way we can get through this adoption financially.” We owe $4500.00 SOON and well…I just don’t know where exactly that is coming from.
The thoughts started..Tyler works a second job on his day off already, I could try to pick up more call at work…This all sounds great but at the end of the day we still have to have a life. Along with our jobs and me taking “call” at work which en tales me having to stay and sleep at the hospital because I live too far away to be there in case of an emergency surgery. I am also in school and have my own small business. It’s A LOT ya’ll and honestly I think I just kind of broke. It was too much, along with thinking we were crazy to think we could afford an adoption (which made me feel like a colossal failure to our child waiting for us in an orphanage)
I was so upset, To keep from starting a full blown on all night fight with Tyler only because I was freaking out, I decided to just “woo saw” and take a bubble bath. That’s where it happened..
A breakdown, a plea, a full on weep, a bargain, a conversation and most of all and most importantly an apology. An apology To God for not trusting him and in his abilities to provide. In that moment I felt so incredibly weak and ashamed for for not trusting my God to provide. He called us to adopt, what in the world would make me think he wouldn’t provide these funds. Because I didn’t have the $4500.00 we need ASAP sitting in my account for our adoption? Was I SO QUICK to forget about the $7,000 he had just provided for a mission trip to serve his orphans in Africa? Did it just slip my mind that in merely 6 weeks we had raised over $2,000, mostly from new friends, friends who have recently lost loved ones, distant friends and people I have never even met (there was a lot of these).
I was so quick to abandoned his trust and give up on believing he would provide.
I recently met a friend on instagram (weird to you maybe, not so much to me) she is adopting as well, my age and a strong admirable christian woman…that was all I needed to know. We have talked everyday since we met. I messaged her and told her what I was struggling with, that for some reason tonight (Sunday) I just couldn’t see it….I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
She was sitting in Church and sent me this.
I read it over and over and over and literally the fear came spilling off me. I almost instantaneously remembered..I remembered that I am human and he is almighty. HE is the PROVIDER. Sometimes I think it is so strange that I would randomly cross paths with a girl named Nikki on instagram and now we talk everyday. But then I remembered nothing is coincidence, nothing is by chance..it is all meticulously planned out in a grand scheme that God already had planned. He already knew..
I was reading an awesome book by Rebekah Lyons tonight while sitting in the bath (again)…
about her struggles through family and her ability to freefall…
I read this tonight about how she prayed with her father in his nursing home room once everyone had left, upon the end of her prayer her dad exerted this..
“Heavenly Father…thank you for your faithfulness.” she then wrote..
“I think of the exceeding abundance offered up in that moment. A man who’d lived a life of suffering, of struggle, of mental anguish never turned his back on God. He had been faithful.”I want this. I absolutely have moments of weakness where my human mind takes over and I doubt..because I’m human.But I will strive, I will strive forever to be obedient and faithful and trusting and stronger. Here’s the thing: We have been called to adopt. We have a child..a CHILD, a life a human being, a child of God…waiting for us, sitting in a orphanage with no family. So some nights I might be human and weak but it will never supersede God. The funds will come and we will wait. Because I’m a mom, yeah I said it….I-AM-A-MOM… And my baby needs me..I will work for him because he gave it all for me.love, CZ