I have been skirting around it for weeks, telling Tyler how hard of a time I have been having. Confiding in my friends about how much I was hurting. Being nervous about what everyone on Facebook would think when I would post about it..so I would delete it.
But it was there. and it wouldn’t go away….this face.
Today Tyler and I finally had the conversation. So, what about Kamoga? The most reasonable and sensible choice is to continue with our Czech adoption. To continue with our “plan”. School, work, call, my small business I run and an adoption. As if that wasn’t enough.
And then there is this.
what IF? What if God worked him in our hearts..to never leave. This is no small love we have for this boy. There were around 120 kids at that orphanage even the cute squishy baby’s but nope we fell in love with the skinny runt of the crowd with a horrible fungus on his head. The only way to compare the love we have for him is what I imagine you have for your kids. Now imagine those kids on the other side of the world not knowing but pretty positive that they are hungry, cold, lonely and just existing. Can you feel your heart literally cringe thinking of your four year old in those conditions.
That’s how we have felt everyday since the day we left him 4 1/2 months ago.
Want to know my HONEST fears…
What people will think..
the fundraising….HOLY CRAP the fundraising is hard y’all! You may think its easy to make all these post about our next fundraiser but literally cringe while pressing enter. We hate asking for help…but we can’t do it alone. So we ask.
the different colors of our skin. people are harsh…
and the biggest of all of these…
not getting him.
I am SO excited about our adoption from the Czech Republic and I am assuming ALOT of people think I am not what, with my constant updates about Kamoga. But here it is. I am.
I just know Kamoga and have already seen him and held him and fell in love with him so I have a child there I can miss and love and want.
I don’t know our child in the Czech Republic yet and I know the second I see our sweet tan baby’s face my heart will sink I’m assuming like when a mothers see’s here baby for the first time after delivery. But, until that moment I just don’t have anything to grasp onto yet.
But I will so just hang in there with me.
Reading Jennie Allen’s new book “Restless” (highly recommended) and I read this tonight, “What if you could get past your fears and insecurities and spend the rest of your life running your guts out after his purposes for you?”
When I think of this CRAZY situation and I’m confused on why God would so heavily place this on my heart when I don’t see where I will find the energy, time, money or strength. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and tried to ignore..BUT I keep coming back to this.
God placed it on my heart because he knew if anyone would take on an entire country to get one child out, it would be me.
Because he knew my fears of what people would think would shatter to glass on the ground when I look at these hands holding on in the hopes we wouldn’t let go..
God knew when the time comes and we want to give up because the fight is just more than we can handle. When we are hitting every wall possible. When the devil is bringing us down we will think of these kisses..
And just when I think not one more dime could possibly be donated. In the perfect timing it appears and I am rest assured God will continue providing.
And when I worry people won’t see past the colors of our skin I think that if our face paint can blend together to make us look alike then so can our lives..
And my biggest fear of all. Just when I think WHAT IF we put our entire hearts into making him our son and it never happens. What if mountains don’t move and waters don’t part? What if he never sleeps in his bed in a room next to us, his mom and dad?
BUT then I think about me being an adopted daughter of my King and he won’t allow me to go into this battle with a faint heart. He is preparing it for the worst but keeping it open for the best. My God is forever faithful in my life and that’s all I can ask for.
Just to give you an idea of what we are up against. Kamoga has no paperwork on his life, he has no parents, so to say that we will literally have to make mountains move to make him ours is an understatement but we are going to try. Feel free to message me with individual questions I just don’t want to be TOO detailed on here on what we are up against. But here is what I can tell you..
Our hearts are fully committed to adopting and bringing our child home from the Czech Republic.
We are NOT doing any fundraising for the adoption of Kamoga, we have a LONG way to go before that happens.
I am completely open to comments and suggestions and worry that we are taking on too much (I know that’s coming) And feel free to message me with those things..
But just not tonight, tonight I just want prayers for our family.
When I think to myself that we are crazy, how unreachable is this to try to adopt a nearly non-existing boy from Uganda. I then remember how reachable my Lord and Savior is and if he is reachable, well then isn’t anything reachable?
We are in the business of freeing our kids. Our sweet baby in the Czech Republic and our sweet Kamoga. Our family might not end up look like yours but in the end love makes a family, not skin color.
love, cz (below I will post some pics of us with K)