I often get messages, comments or remarks of how I am such a strong person or how amazing I am for adopting. That it is amazing how Tyler and I are following Gods calling. But do you want to be let in on a little secret.
I am not all of that. I kind of suck, really.
What you all see if the sweet blog post I write about the other love of my life, sitting in Uganda. Waiting for us to fight for him. You see all the fundraiser’s I do to help cover the cost’s of what financial strains adoption puts on us. You see me post pictures on Instagram about us filing out paperwork for our Czech Republic adoption. You see me post that sweet video of Kamoga blowing kisses (which melts my heart to the core)
But you don’t see the ugly side.
You don’t see me break down, you don’t see me doubt that we could ever possibly fund a double adoption which will cost roughly around $60,000. Yes you read that right. You don’t see my face behind the computer when I hit enter to tell you all about another fundraiser that I am about to bug you with. You don’t seem me take my stress out on my husband because…today, it’s just too much.
And I keep it all in. I don’t want to tell people that I am overwhelmed or that I probably am taking on too much, because that’s what people expect. And I might be taking on to much but, I am NOT taking on too much to help throw a party or too make extra money or because I am trying be an over achiever. I am taking on to much for a life. A human life. A human life that I am madly, hopelessly in love with.
You want to know the worst part. You all send me these amazing messages and comments being so proud of my strength. When I know the truth. I am not always strong. I doubt. I doubt my God, I doubt that same God that has helped us raise almost $7,000 in 4 1/2 months. The same God that shows up for me…every single day. Every single day he is there to comfort my heart and to guide me in my struggles. Everyday he waits for me to let go of my fears, doubts and struggles and set them at his feet because he is there. My faith is made stronger in the presence of my savior and yet I am still hesitant to hand it all over to him…I still don’t always believe that he can do it. Some days I still find it hard to believe that he could provide all of this and safely bring our kids home, while not sending us into mountains of debt. My trust should be without borders when it comes to God and it’s not.
Because the truth is…being strong and brave and amazing isn’t writing a blog, it isn’t posting a picture on instagram of us filing out paperwork, Its isn’t doing fundraiser after fundraiser to help with costs.
Being strong is trusting God to lead you to a fight…and then to pull you through that fight to the other side.
So Thank you for your comments and I truly love them and they keep me moving but let the glory be to God. He is strong and I am weak.
I had such a hard day today and randomly a woman wrote me asking if we would let her do a fundraiser for us. She told me about her story and her sweet baby she is adopting from India. She told me of her struggles and her heart ache. I swear I thought I was reading about Kamoga. She encouraged me to fight the fight and to not back down. It’s as if she knew I had been struggling today. Like God told her to message me and restore my faith in his goodness.
But you see, that’s what he does. We doubt and he shows up.
He takes us deeper than our feet could ever wonder, where our faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters.
The other day someone sent me this message
” It seems so hard right now, but just think in a few years the four of us ( Tyler, me, our Czech baby and Kamoga) a happy family of four snuggled up on our couch for movie night”
I felt it. I could picture it…
My God. I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the rain. I am yours and you are mine.
If you want to invest in our journey to bring our three countries together on our couch as a family of 4 here is the paypal link to donate.