wide eyed and mystified

Reading a few words on a page from a book that a girl from Tennessee living in Uganda wrote….made it all make sense.

Sometimes I think that the best thing is when your phone dies and you don’t have your phone charger. You truly have no choice but to unplug.

All week I have felt a distance between God and I, I would pray and speak but it felt so shallow like I was just speaking to myself in a glass box and the sounds would just reflect back on me but never reach God. This coming from a woman that KNOWS my maker, I know he is always here, there and everywhere. Yet, I still felt nothing, like he needed me to need him more.

In my mind there has to be few moments in life worse than the ones where I don’t feel Jesus. I don’t feel him surrounding, protecting and comforting me. There’s nothing worse.

Today I couldn’t take another minute of distance so (at my in-laws) I grabbed my book “Kisses form Katie” (because I go nowhere without it) and went and sat out by the pool. I have read this book front to back but reading this book April 16th, 2013 is when Jesus truly transformed my heart for his needs. He showed me what I could have with him and I never wanted to look back. So I got my Afghan blanket, in my bathing suit, plopped down on the edge of the pool with my feet hanging over the edge swaying in the water and just flipped open a random page and started reading.

It was perfect timing just like Gods timing always is.

And then it hit me.

People always ask me, “Aren’t you taking on to much?”

And I am taking on a lot with school, work, a new job as well as my old, a Czech Republic adoption as well as working hard to get Kamoga here and fundraising. It is a lot but today it all made sense.

Those moments, the ones where you feel broken emotionally, shattered physically and inadequate. When you don’t feel strong but weak and vulnerable. That’s the place where Jesus ignites in your heart and you become desperate for his guidance and words. You would do anything to feel him closer to you. Those are the moments you NEED Jesus. You will search high and low to find him. 

When I am happy and everything is going smooth and I don’t feel stress…I feel distant. God is further from me because I begin feeling as though I am needing him less.

I would rather struggle the rest of my life if it meant that I would always have an extreme hunger for God than everything be perfect.

This morning I found out Kamoga has malaria and is very weak, not eating and throwing up. The mama of the orphanage is taking him to the hospital first thing in the morning (about 3AM our time) She is going to call me as soon as she gets there and let me talk to the doctor.

Malaria is sadly common in Uganda. What is breaking my heart the most is that he has been through so much already, It is killing me that I cannot care for him. I can’t let him lay on my lap and cover him with blankets and rub his back for hours. Put cool cloths on his head and kiss his face..all the things other moms get to do when their child is sick. I can do nothing. It kills me….

so I pray, because even though I can’t do anything my maker can. Will you pray for K tonight?

Western union is closed tomorrow but we will be sending whatever money necessary to get him better. If you feel it on your heart and want to donate help us get our special K better there is a paypal button on the sidebar. We feel so loved and thankful to be surrounded by such an amazing community of people that rally around for us and our children.

Today I felt something I had been missing the last week.

I felt wide eyed and mystified.

Love, CZ


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