Dear Waiting mama,
I remember all to well the sting of what those days felt like. I remember those tears, the longing..Gosh the longing to be a mama was gut wrenching hard. I see how your shoulders slump down when you walk past a new mommy feeding, loving, kissing on her baby because..anything. Anything is what you would do to be a mom, to have that moment. I know how deafening the silence in your home can be. I know the floors you have just completely broken down on with frustration.
I know you have dreamed of what that moment would be like, the one where you see your baby for the first time. You dreamed of that moment for years and years and now you wonder if that moment will ever even happen. I know your heart when you go to doctors appointment after doctors appointment to try to fix what seems like a broken, barren body. I know the devastation month after month when you realize yet again you are not pregnant, I know what it feels like to feel as though you are failing as a woman and wife. We are women, we have babies and my body is failing me and I feel like I am failing my husband. I know the conversations with friends when they walk on egg shells to tell you the exciting news that THEY are pregnant. You both know. She is excited and you are struggling..but you put a smile on your face and hug them anyways because at the end of the day that’s what we do.
I know that moment when you are finally alone at home, in the car, in a closet, anywhere alone..when you feel the gate of emotions coming on strong and you can’t hold it back anymore and you are doing the ugly cry. It’s hard friends, It hurts.
I remember what it felt like waiting on the call to see if another woman’s body had yet birthed a baby that would soon call me mommy. I remember not eating for two days while we waited for the news. I remember the pacing around my house, the vulnerability of someone else deciding if we were the ones to parent her child. I remember the first time I hugged her, the beautiful woman that stood before me who chose me, she choose us to be parents. She believed in us, she saw us, she picked us. I remember being exhausted from paperwork and meetings and home study visits. I remember being broke.
I remember the fears of would this baby love me like he would have loved her? Will this baby know I’m his mom, will I feel like this baby mom?
More than all of the heart ache of everything I just mentioned I remember one thing more clearly than anything.
I remember Jesus being with me through it all. I remember feeling so alone and yet so completely comforted knowing that he has not and will not leave me. We all wait for different things. But we have to know that in the waiting is discovery, discovery of what we are made of..what God made us for. There is a plan for each and every one of us, I never dreamt my road to motherhood would take 3 long, excruciating, tough, raw and real years. But it did, because that was my story and we all have one and I now have the sweetest, tiniest baby boy named Foster who was worth every second of that wait. I have never known and loved Jesus like I do now and I can’t help but think it’s because I honestly never realized how much I needed him until I felt like he was the only person that could make me a mom. So within that 3 years I fell madly in love with him and leaned on him, I asked for comfort when my husband, myself or my friends couldn’t comfort me, I told him when I was struggling, I prayed to him when I pleaded for an emotional break. I read his words when I had none of my own.
There is one other thing I want you to know.
I am on the other side now. I am a mom. The pain ended. The sad days turned into amazing ones and Jesus is still here for it all. However you are trying to become a mother, know you are not alone.