+round and round+

Press play and enjoy.

I have been wanting to write this blog for a week now and every time I try, I just can’t find the words. I don’t know if that’s out of fear, excitement, or what but here I am…once again trying to write. To tell you whats on my heart. To just be real.

A year and half ago God followed Tyler and I as we traveled around the world to Africa, a place that we would unknowingly leave our hearts for the unforeseeable future. You all know the story. The one where we fell in love with a boy named Kamoga. I have been doing everything possible to make our dream of Kamoga becoming our son a reality. This has not been an easy task.

I know you all don’t know a ton about Kamoga’s story and you don’t have to know every detail but know that his situation is a lot more difficult than a straight forward adoption. Uganda is a hard country to navigate, on your own, through emails and phone calls from half a world away. It takes a lot of work to build trust while not being there. But, I have spent a year and half doing just that. After HIGH phone bills from Calling Kamogas home so much we finally just added an international plan on our phone. I know it doesn’t change anything but when I call them and they answer and I can hear the craziness of 94 kids in the back ground or when I call and she tells me she will call me right back because she is riding down the street on a boda boda (motorcycle) I feel closer, I feel not so far..I feel like somehow I can imagine myself being in Uganda, in that moment, on those red dirt roads. The other day I was talking to someone about what is going on in Uganda and how I felt a whole new stress, one that felt like walls closing in and I couldn’t escape quick enough and the response was “Maybe you just need to not do it, to let go of some things..if it’s not working then just let it go.” In that moment I realized I could tell you my words and what’s going on but there really is noway for you all to get into my heart and feel the pain I have being so far form him. Worrying, loving, stressing and seeing him through it all while God see’s ME through it all. Letting go..it’s not even an option for us.

Part of me was excited. Another HUGE part of me felt so overwhelmed. The thought of starting this all over again…RIGHT NOW? I have done everything in my power to make this moment happen and NOW? We aren’t even done with Fosters adoption.

Honestly it was too much. I felt guilty for feeling that way. I waited so long to be able to FINALLY move forward with something and it was here and part of me (a big part of me) couldn’t even imagine starting over again. All I could do was question it? Why now God? Why SO MUCH at one time? Why do you think I am this strong?

I promise I am not.

We have talked with someone that is willing to move forward with an investigation, like a legitimate, full, expensive..investigation to finally find out and confirm one way or the other is kamoga is actually able to be adopted. This might seem like no big deal but as I mentioned Kamoga story is a little different and for the last year and half we have been pushing and try to make this very thing happen. We are able to pay for the investigation by itself without paying any other fees until we know for sure.

Still. I. struggle.

I am SOOOOO excited about starting this process. You have no idea. BUT I am TERRIFIED to hear a “No, he can’t be adopted” and I am JUST as terrified about the funds and paperwork and shots and appointments and notarizations and home study visits…it is so much. Adoption is hard. And can I just be real. It was a miracle from GOD that God sent STRAIGHT UP warriors in the form of every single one of you that donated you last $10, your $50 birthday money, your $1500 savings account money..you moved mountains move like I have never seen to help us pay for our adoption.

again? I have seen it every time before but right this moment, I am terrified about the money. I am terrified about it all.

We needed a pretty hefty chunk to do the investigation, which SHOCKER we DO NOT HAVE because of well, life, a newborn, credit cards that we put money on for our current adoption…you know the one that we aren’t even through with yet????

I told tyler that if we had to fundraise for the adoption (once we got a for sure “GO”)  then so be it. I would put my pride aside and get at it. But not for this. This money I wasn’t willing to. I prayed and prayed and prayed like crazy, telling them that honestly it would probably be a few months before we could gather the money, that this literally could not be a worse time. I stayed in constant prayer for 4 days straight and let in a few close friends because I needed my people praying for me also. I was STRUGGLING HARD! I was confused and excited and sad and so nervous and confused why after working so hard..NOW? Now we could start and I didn’t have the money.

I prayed some more.

Y’all by the end of that week, some new opportunities/clients came across at work and we had all the money. We are starting the investigation that will tell us if we can Yes or No adopt Kamoga…and adopt soon-ish.

Did you read that? WE HAD ALL THE MONEY!

Honestly, I don’t know how I made it without Jesus. You know, back in the days when I was half in. When I talked OF Jesus occasionally but never talked TO Him. When I needed him so bad and asked where he was but never confided in Him when it came down to the punches. when I heard of his words form others but never read them for myself.

Jesus Christ, He is here to save us. He has saved us. He is our savior. He is saving me from my fears of it all. He could save you from yours also…

sav·ior[ sáyvyər ]
rescuer: somebody who rescues somebody or something from harm or danger

Lately I have been listening to The Civil Wars and one part of one song brings me to tears almost every time.

“Let me in the walls you’ve built around, we can light a match and burn them down, Let me hold your hand and dance round and round the flames in front of us”

I am 27. I have truly know the love of Jesus Christ for 21 months. I feel like for the first 25 years Jesus sang those lyrics to me. I shut him out and shut him out and did it some more but he never wavered even though I always did. He never moved, he never left and he never doubted. Do you know what that feels like to finally feel a love so strong and realize what you have been missing out on for so long.

It’s a mixture between utter heartbreak and miraculous.

When we get on the road that leads to Jesus we are on a winding road with a blindfold with complete security in knowing that there is something golden at the end.

Show me where to pick up my blindfold.

with love.

CZ

“For from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace” -John 1:16

sleeping beauty

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