+ In the thick of it all+

It’s Saturday and I am sitting outside and wanted to write down some thoughts on the realness that is my life right now.

Let’s just imagine that we are good friends and we are sitting over coffee–because coffee is my thing right? I mean it literally makes things cozier. The truth is if I remind myself that I am writing these thoughts to a wide open room of anyone who wants to hear them…I might not tell you what’s on my heart.

But here it is–Being a mom is HARD.

I have a 5 month old son named Foster that we brought home through adoption at birth. I feel like I could possibly be judged a little bit right now because I cried out to the Lord to be a mom for so many years and here it is, I HAVE it! I am a MOM! I KNOW how much it hurt to be on the other side, the side where I was still dying to be a mom and I know how many amazing couples out there are still on that side and my heart truly still feels your pain, I was just there. I feel guilty for even saying those things but it’s true. And all of you moms that have multiple kids. You are equivelant to Gold in my eyes and feel free to come over here and kick me in my chin for even dreaming of complaining about my ONE 5 month old son. I totally get it.

This morning my husband and I were sitting on the couch drinking our coffee and Foster was screaming because he does that a lot now and my husband said, “I think I miss our quiet mornings the most”

I just laughed and said me too. But that’s life right? Its a give and take, it’s a compromise, It’s a juggle of how to make things work. When we ask God to please give us these huge gifts it always comes with a price. It always does. Not just in motherhood but life. I was driving home from work the other day and text my two life lines, Shauna and Nikki and told them that I was struggling because I was driving home in my nice car and sipping on Starbucks with the heat running while I knew my son was in Uganda lying in a hospital bed. But It’s not like I threw  my Starbucks out the window and turned off the heat and sold my nice car for a crappy one. No, I didn’t do any of those things because quite honestly they wouldn’t have helped Kamoga in that moment and I don’t believe that’s was God is asking from us. He just wants a healthy balance of give and take. So saying Yes to Africa and the way my heart longs to be half there and half here…its tough because I usually have a hot cup of coffee in my hand and he never does. The internal struggle with saying Yes is something so real but I think God does that and puts that on our hearts because its a give and take, its a compromise..its the life of following Jesus that every now and then comes with a price. That being said, I can’t imagine life any other way.

Another reason I might get judged a little. I love whole heartedly being a mom, It truly is the most amazing gift imaginable but I don’t want to just be Fosters and Kamogas mom or just be Tyler’s wife. Is that horrible or me to say? you can be honest..

I DREAM so big y’all. I want to write a book, I want to be in a financial position for my family to take yearly trips serving others abroad and in our community. I want to have a platform to speak about Jesus and I want to move people like some of the women I look up to, do when they speak about Jesus. I always have these plans for when I write to blog about Adoption or about essential oils and to continue to grow my business but when I sit down with these tiny black squares under my finger tips..all I want to do is talk about the love of Jesus and how he is working in my life.

There is never a moment when I hear a worship songs or words spoke about our Lord and tears don’t fill my eyes. But really, I fall short daily and when I say daily, I mean hourly.

If I learn nothing else in my day to day life one thing I have learned is to lean in closer to Jesus. That when I feel like I am miserably failing as a mom because I am quickly becoming frustrated or when I have fear over something, when I feel like I am being short with my husband for reasons that have nothing to do with him..I know the one things that will help is to lean in a little closer. Sometimes I feel like in those moments Jesus is saying “Im right here..just ask for my comfort to fall over you like a waterfall and here I will be for you”

If I have learned one thing. That would be it.

I have a baby that feels as though the time has come to show me his vocals chords again.

A house that is messy

And a dinner that isn’t going to prepare itself.

So for now, on this Saturday it the day gets rough..if you feel like your going to lose your mind lean in a little closer, let Him pull you in a little deeper and he will be there..

In the thick of it all.

Love, CZ

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5 thoughts on “+ In the thick of it all+

  1. So beautifully written. I hope to adopt someday and I am on the side of just figuring out I might not be able to have kids. I totally see where you are coming from. I think God calls certain people to be a wife, a mom and a world changer. I think He can and will use all of your life’s journeys to inspire others to be drawn closer to Him. I also think He wants us to admit when life gets hard. I love how open and honest you are. I have been diagnosed with so many things over the year and have had to learn how to admit to God that this life is hard and we need Him. The more life gets hard the more I draw closer to Him and I would not have it any other way. I used to be a teacher of little ones and know that somedays life is full of holding screaming little ones. I will be praying that more quiet moments can come your way in the next couple weeks. I love your blog and love reading such heartfelt posts.

  2. Its such a blessing that you are so honest! It doesnt matter “how” you became a Mom! Its hard! I prayed for three years for a baby! I am 2.5 months from being due…. and lets just say I HEAR YOU! I watch my nephew over night frequently…. and I think “what on earth have I done!” It has made me respect Mommas even more! Its nice to know that other Moms feel tired, exhausted, and just plain crazy at times!

  3. Welcome to motherhood! The truth is that we all feel guilty when we spend or even THINK of spending time for ourselves…even when we dream back of doing NOTHING! haha. This just means you’re perfectly NORMAL. I dream big too. All.the.time. I can’t turn it off. It’s how God created me. And I embrace it and the craziness. I prayed last night for some direction, something to help me navigate through the start and process of adoption that we have agreed we both want – and low and behold I find your IG in my “suggestions” feed. And here I am. Reading your story and in awe of it and knowing that God is almighty and can make miracles happen!

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