+Rewritting our story+

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Gosh, where do I start. I have been putting this blog off for as long as possible just to avoid saying the words out loud I think. You sweet souls have began messaging me asking how our sweet boy is doing in Uganda, which I am so thankful for. I have no idea why you do but I love that you all care about our family so much. We feel so completely surround by love knowing you all love our kiddos along with us.

So as you know a few months ago Tyler and I paid a lot of money to have a formal investigation done for Kamoga to find out the details of his story. We have been told the same story over and over from day one so we felt we could trust that but needed to be sure. This investigation would give us the for sure answer we have been needing for almost two years now. Would he be our son, is he our son, was he never met to be ours? How would our our stories intertwine and involve each other in the long haul of life.

About a month ago (while we were driving to our new home during the big move) There was a BIG family meeting with the investigators, I was bale to talk to Kamogas jaja (Grandmother) which was HUGE! She lives in the village and has no phone or solid place she stays so it is near impossible to make this happen. She spoke VERY good English and we were able to talk for a few moments. She just kept telling me how thankful she was we loved Kamoga so much and that we wanted to take care of him. They were so happy we wanted to make him our son officially. I was giddy, it was the sweetest thing ever.

About a week before that we had been told that the laws were soon changing and if everything wasnt in soon (which would have been impossible for us) then the only option would be to foster Kamoga in country for 1 year. SO then Tyler and I began having that talk. Maybe Foster and I could find some place and move to Uganda for a year, Sell my car etc. It would be hard but we could make it work for Kamoga. Then are started stressing about how we would make it work with Foster being away from Tyler and me being away from my husband..

There was a lot of stress but we knew God would write a bigger story and he could totally make this happen no matter how much fear we had over it..

While we were driving to the new house, my Mother in law and I were following each other and the boys were a few hours behind. We stopped at Chick-Fil-a for lunch and over lunch I broke the, Uhhh there is a chance we might be considering me to move to Uganda if it comes to that. We talked through it and she heard my crazy idea out like she always does.

Back to a month ago (soon after that Chick Fil a talk) the big family meeting happened and I was so excited then we spoke with the agency who spoke with the investigators. Come to find out, Kamoga has an entire family, Like a Big Family. I won’t get into the details because they arent mine to share of why he is in the orphanage, his parents stories, his siblings..

But I will tell you, they all exist. I was devastated, for a few reasons. One, the fact that this conversation solidified the fact that we could not and would not be adopting Kamoga. He has a living mom and dad and the courts would not over look that. Second, that he had an entire family that he wasn’t with because of the means to keep them all together. My heart breaks for this.. We love Kamoga more than anything but I don’t want to adopt a child that doesnt need a family, and he DOES NOT need a family. He has one, a BIG one. I am not meant to be his mama and that just the truth. It has taken me a month to stomach saying those words out loud as this childs pictures cover my house and I have a “K” tattooed on my arm where he will forever be with me. He might not be coming home with us but he will forever be a small part of our family, always. All day yesterday I called Foster, Kamoga…It was the weirdest thing.

So what now? We love him and support him however possible from afar. We will never wlak away fromΒ  him and continue to be in his life as much as possible.

SOO our trip to Uganda that we are taking next month. I have been talking with a friend of mine constantly about my heart being uneasy about this trip for some reason. With the horrible attacks on the college in Kenya yesterday killing 150 christians we decided to look up the Dept. of State and see if there are any alerts for Uganda. It says there are High Terroristic threats for Uganda right now for a few different reasons. Tyler and I talked about it alot and at the end of the day we have a 6 month old son that really has been through enough. He has walked through the trenches so early on in life and struggled in ways he doesn’t even understand. We have a son in Uganda that we dreamed of being our son but we have a son at home that IS our son and we have to do what’s best for him. That being said, we have decided not to go to Uganda. My heart breaks all over again..When will we go back? When will we see Kamoga again? When will I touch that red dirt again?

I don’t know.

We had to make a decision quick or we would lose out on more than $2,000 worth of plane tickets. We decided to transfer the tickets and go see Tylers sister. We are headed to Singapore in 34 days instead. We are so excited to see her experience Singapore.

The last 2 years have been exhausting and Tyler and I have put our marriage on the back burner for a bit and we just can’t. I know not everyone will agree but my priorities are as follows..

My relationship with Christ

My husband

My son

And that’s just what I feel is right. I can’t nurture my marriage and love my husband like he deserves without nurturing my relationship with God. I can’t be the best mom If Im not the best wife or daughter to the Lord.

We need this. I need this. Kamoga was our family, Kamoga is our family…But is not going to ever step foot into our family? It’s hard yall. God asks us to walk some pretty bumpy, treacherous and ugly roads. But at the end of the day they are roads he calls us too and at the end of the day if he asks us to go, we go. We go in complete faith that he knows best, he knows better and he knows the way.

We have had a lot of sad things happen but we rejoice in knowing that God is rewriting our story.

Thank you for always loving us and Kamoga and I will always continue to give you updates on him as we get them!

With love,

CZ

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