She’s not what I asked for..

I had been waiting for weeks for the day to arrive and it was finally here. Thursday November 5th it was finally time to pack up the truck and head East to be with our son’s Birth mom and be at the birth of our baby boy. I had been anxious for weeks, its an emotional roller coaster for everyone involved. She is scared of losing him, scared if she chose the right parents to raise her son and scared for the pain she knows is looming around the corner. I was scared of her deciding we weren’t the right parents for the precious life growing in her belly, scared I would be weak and let the enemy ruin this for us somehow, scared to death to say the wrong thing in our daily chats, scared that when she would take to long to respond to a text, it meant because she couldn’t do it, any of it. And how could I blame her..

Over the weeks “P” and I talked daily and she was so strong in pouring bits and pieces of her heart out to me, a stranger. I was falling in love with a son I didn’t know, hadn’t felt kicking in me and had no biologic connection with- But I loved him. Through the weeks I became surprised how much I grew to love “P” as well, I missed her when I didn’t hear from her and got excited to see a text from her pop up on my screen. We talked about what the future would look like and naming our baby boy together.

So we headed East, arrived on Friday with a scheduled C-section on Monday. Friday when we arrived I was so exhausted but couldn’t wait to see “P” so Nikki and I went and picked her up and we went to dinner. Her belly was so big and she was so tiny and during dinner I got to put my hand on her belly and feel this sweet baby boy kicking.

Saturday came and we had plans to spend the day together and for me to meet her other son and for her to meet Foster. She woke up so incredibly sick and there was just no way we would make it work, she needed to rest. We talked all day so I could check in on her..

We had a long night with Foster not sleeping well, 6am came and we received a call from “P’s” mom that she was on the way to the hospital by ambulance because she was in a ton of pain. I ran and woke Nikki up so she could help with Foster and Tyler and I rushed to get dressed and in the pouring rain got to the hospital as quick as we could.  We spent the rest of the day at the hospital and soon realized these contractions weren’t stopping and we would be meeting out son within a few hours. At first Tyler and I were in the waiting room until she was settled in her hospital room when a couple walked in and we both kind of looked at each other thinking we might be there for the same person.. It was “P’s” brother and wife, we hadn’t met any family except the birth father’s grandma at this point. Throughout the day the entire family came and Tyler spent hours with them just like we were all family and it had always been that way. I was in the room with “P” rubbing her back and legs and trying to keep her comfortable anyway possible. Family member after family member would rotate in to see her and  but I never left her side. I remember just sitting there seeing her belly move and how soon all our lives would be changing.

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When the nurse would ask “Who is coming to the delivery room with you?” and she would point to me, my heart would burst. Then the MANY other times when everyone would say to “P”, “Congrats on the new baby” or when the waitress at chili’s sees her belly and naturally asks question after questions about the new baby coming and I can physically see so much discomfort all of over “P’s” face. Or when the nurses brought her a “new baby goodies box” with me sitting there and she knows she has no need for it..

These are not easy things to navigate, they never will be but they will always be apart of adoption stories. She never made me feel bad or guilty but stayed so strong saying this was what’s best for him.

The time finally came to roll back to the delivery room! They rolled her first and I waited behind until they were ready for me, thankfully a cleaning lady came in and she kept me busy as my nerves were all over the place.

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I was texting Tyler every second I could trying to give him a play by play.

I finally got back to the C-section room and “P” was on the table and asleep, she hadn’t slept in days. She never flinched  through anything and then finally we heard the first cries of Murphy and her eyes popped open, mine filled with tears and the doctor then said “want to come see him?”

Tears rolled down my cheeks taking it all in, everything that was happening. I got to cut the cord..

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They finally got him all swaddled up and handed him to me, I couldn’t wait to show “P” how beautiful he was. Then she finally got the chance to meet him, the little boy she was sacrificing so much for-

I brought him over to her and had our first moment together as a new family, built differently than most but still family..

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We both had tears, in a time where it would have been so easy for her to say “I can’t do this” through tears she simply looked at me and said “Thank you”

It was time for him to go to the nursery and I asked her if she wanted me to go with him or stay with her, without a second thought again she said, “go with him, I want him to be with his mom”

So I went to the nursery and I text Tyler quickly and said everyone come to the nursery window. The nurse rolled up the screen for us to see Tyler and “P’s” entire family all beaming through the window. Then Tyler was able to come in and meet his son..

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The next two days flew by, I stayed with “P” in the hospital room with Murphy for the next two days and we stayed up late talking and caring for him, passing him back and forth. She always made me feel so comfortable, every time someone came in to ask a question about Murphy she always directed them to me. From day one she always made me feel like his mom even when it came at a high cost for her..

I gave her a gift in the room after he was born. It was a necklace with his birth stone and my girls from bible study bought her a beautiful devotional, she immediately turned to that day and she couldn’t believe what it said..

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The time finally came for her to sign consents to make us parents and we had to leave. When we came back in I could see she had been crying and so much pain on her face. I loved Murphy but for the last 7 weeks I had built this relationship with “P” so seeing her in so much pain nearly killed me. Adoption really isn’t all “cute babies” and smiles..it is so hard and it comes from such a broken place with heartache as far as the eye can see. In that moment when we signed guardianship papers to make him ours it was so hard to find joy in that moment knowing that “P” was headed home with so much hurt.

The last week we have spent bonding with Murphy and talking to “P” daily and giving updates to all of our family and all of “P’s” It is a broken situation that a little sun is starting to shine through.. We are finding a new normal with our large blended family and we are excited and hopeful for the future as a new beautiful blended family..

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Adoption is not easy, it is messy and hard and sad but it is full of redemption and beauty as well. When it comes to our sons birth mom..
She’s not what I asked for, she is so much more.
With love (as a new mama of two),
Casey

Follow along our adoption Journey and bringing Murph home on IG @zarubalife
Casey@christianadoptionconsultants.com

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4 thoughts on “She’s not what I asked for..

  1. I have been following you through Nikki for awhile now. I am a mom in California with 5 kids. I have a heart for adoption and so reading about your wonderful story has just caused tears on this Thanksgiving morning. I’m thankful for moms like you and you are truly blessed and have blessed me today

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